Going with the Floe

Going with the Floe



“I’ll see you later, Flo-eee. I’m meeting up with the boys for our Wednesday golf outing, then we’ll have lunch at Phil’s afterward,” said Herb.  

“Good riddance, she thought, I’m so glad he’s out of the house”, said Florence, grumbling to herself.  Just then the phone rang and she picked it up to chat with her younger neighbor friend Winnie, who called most mornings around this time to check up on Floe.  “Yes, Winnie, he’s gone. I get so frustrated with him sometimes. There’s so much to do around our house and yard, but all he does is fly away to play his games and meet up with his chums, or dawdle at the coffee shop. He’s an expert at getting out of hard work, that’s for sure, even after 52 years of marriage.”

Herb was now 76 years old, but still quite active and healthy, while Floe just turned 72 last month, and struggles now and then with a bad hip.  Floe remains a hard working, no-nonsense bundle of strength and energy, and very proud of her blue collar heritage and work ethic. 

Yet it was love at first sight long ago, when she saw him standing outside the Bijou movie theater after seeing some Godzilla movie.  Something inside of her knew he was the one, guided her to act, and so she took aim, and he didn’t stand a chance.  

In a few short weeks, Herb was totally hers, and he soon proposed to her. Florence Esther Gannett and Herbert William Lang were married several months later on a beautiful sunny Spring day.  From the very start she always called him Herb, and he called her Floe. But after a few months he added the E (for Esther) for emphasis and called her “Flo-eee”. She originally bristled at this pet name, but over time she became fond of it.

Life went on, and on, and on, and their years together became decades. Children came, grew up and flew off to various ends of the world. Years of career work finally ended and retirement arrived.  They kept themselves as healthy and fit as they could, loved each other, and fought the normal bitter battles, too. 

“Of course I appreciate your calls, Winnie, it’s just that I have so many things to do today … hmmm, what’s …oh, there’s a knock at the door. I’ll have to go see. Oh, it's Sam Hawkins, the police officer, hmm, okay Winnie, catch you tomorrow. Thank you for calling”, said Floe.

Mrs. Gannett?  May I please come in?  Oh thank you, but no, nothing for me.  I've come to tell you about Mr. Lang, your husband,  I am very sorry to tell you this, but Mr. Lang collapsed at the golf course and died. The doctor at the hospital said .....

Floe couldn't hear anything now. Her view whirled and spun, a tightness gripped her chest, she ceased breathing, and fell into a deep black darkness.  She had fainted, and as she slowly awoke, she recognized Sam and another officer stooping over her, asking her if she could see and hear.

"What happened?  Where am I?  Yes, I can see.  No, nothing hurts.  I must have fallen.  Can you help me up?  I need to prepare dinner for my husband."

The officers helped her to a nearby chair, gave her a glass of water, and sat with her. She stared at the floor, sipping the water very slowly, then looked up at Sam, and said "Oh, he isn't coming home" and began to sob.

Those first days without him were unreal and full of constant tears. The children all arrived, and after the funeral, they set up a schedule among them, each committing to stay at least a week or so. Winnie came over twice a day, cooked for Floe, and helped her as needed.  Those days of grief turned into weeks and then into months, but then the constant companionship of friends and family finally started to subside.

You are such a God-send, Winnie. Thank you so much for being there for me. Yes, I’m going to finally visit all of my children. One is in Delaware, one outside of Detroit, and the youngest now lives in York, England.  I’ll be gone for 5 weeks seeing them all. Thank you for keeping an eye on my house. Come over Wednesday afternoon and I’ll hand you the keys. No, I’ve arranged a taxi to take me to the airport.

Her stays with her elder children were wonderful, full of activity, and a lot of quality time being with them and her grandchildren. Her passport finally arrived and Winnie sent it to her.  Floe was very excited to see her youngest and to finally visit England.  Soon she was flying, somewhere over the Atlantic, unable to sleep.

Her thoughts went inward, with recollections of her life with Herb, and a longing to see and hear him again.  She had brought her favorite photo of him, and used it as a bookmark. Soon she drifted into a gentle slumber and fell deeply into sleep.

The screams and chaos woke her. Everyone around her was in deep fear, and she could feel the plane battered by very heavy turbulence. A cacophony of sound rose around her, as the plane started to descend, but to her surprise, Floe just took a deep breath, gently smiled, and began to relax and go deeply inward.  

She didn’t know how the life vest got on her, nor how she ended up in that rubber raft.  The waves were surprisingly mild and large icebergs loomed about serenely in the quiet of a black night.  Then a cold breeze arrived and she became very cold, but did not panic. She just stared at the giants of ice, noticing their immensity and their very slow movements.

A calmness arrived and she noticed a tiny warmth in her hands, closed her eyes, and focused her mind on it. The warmth grew and spread throughout her body and soothed her.  She fell into a deep sleep.  When she awoke she was staring up at a bright light in a hospital room on some ship, under the care of a nurse.  In her clenched hand was that old photo of Herb.  She smiled and knew that he was still with her and the warmth returned again and stayed with her till the end of her days.

A Tragic Loss of Self

A Tragic Loss of Self

I welcomed it into my life today, as it made things so simple and clear,

My moral compass now aims true, my path is noble, and backed by God.

I see no gray, right is right, and wrong is wrong.

There is no doubt about the rules, just strictly follow to be happy.

There is no need to think too hard, what is right is now self-evident.

So I dug my heels in deeply, and determined not to surrender my new beliefs,

As the blood flowed out uncontrollably from the wounded.

I spoke with absolute certainty and with undeniably objective truth,

As the bones of the little ones were crushed beneath the wheels.

I argued my defense and eviscerated my opponent with logic and proof,

As grief overwhelmed the mothers whose cries filled the sky.

My flag wraps me in comfort and my God stands with me, 

As I release all responsibility and lay blame squarely upon the other.

My people are inherently worthy, while the others are not,

As the last remnants of compassion and mercy drain from my being.

I stand firm, like the noble statue that I have become,

Strong and fearless,

They call me Rigor Mortis.

Mountains

The mountains stand so tall,

up on their toes at dawn,

to greet the new sky this morning.

Some catch a passing cloud,

which struggles at first,

then surrenders and settles,

deeply in a waiting mountain valley,

Stretching up ever higher,

the mountains try to hold back the Sun,

as long as they can, 

then they too surrender,

and allow the sun’s happy rays to stream

across their border heights.

One mountain takes a deep breath,

and watches this dazzling show,

then it too settles in to watch

the unfolding of this new day.

It asks “Will Eternity be today?”

Be More Curious, Than Afraid

The Stages of Dissolution

"How We Live is How We Die" by Pema Chödrön

A book about the Tibetan Book of the Dead and the Bardos.

Stage 1: Earth into Water

A shimmering mirage arises, as outer sight begins to depart.

Feeling immovable & heavy, as weight of the world arises.

Stage 2: Water into Fire

A smoky fog arises, as hearing begins to depart.

Feeling an insatiable thirst, while losing control of body fluids.

Stage 3: Fire into Air

Sparks of light arise, as smell begins to depart.

Feeling cold, incapable of getting warm.

Stage 4: Air into Consciousness

An inner image of a torch or lamp arises, as taste begins to depart.

Feeling difficult to breath, shorter inhalations, longer exhalations.

Stage 5: Consciousness into Space

The inner image continues, as touch begins to depart.

Feeling complete cessation of outer respiration.

Then, Inner Dissolution

The body is now dead.

Inner respiration continues, fades, then ceases after stage 3.

Consciousness transitions in 3 stages from subtle, to more subtle, to most subtle:

1. Anger dissolves.  White appears, as pure sky filled with moonlight.

2. Passion and craving dissolve. Everything is now Red.

3. Possibility of Attainment. Black.  We either black-out or recognize the true nature of mind.

Consciousness departs the body after the inner dissolution is complete.

Stranger, Do you See Me?

 

Stranger, Do you See Me?

Contact

First, my gait and clothes

Then, my color and speech

Then, my handshake and smell

Plus all the stories you have heard.

But you do not see me.

Reaction

Soon, your defenses, doubts & fears arise

Tall walls and battlements made ready

Probing questions, designed to confirm.

But still, you do not see me.

Judgement

We both want to understand

We both want to know the truths

But too hard to grasp and trust

And too easy to categorize or hate.

So you will not see me.

Path

Imagine my naked heart, mind & soul

Devoid of all those trappings

Imagine sharing your own

Brave, courageous and vulnerable.

Can you see me now?

Prayer

Can we walk a path hand in hand?

Like brothers and sisters

Can we smile, honor and respect

Allowing our fears to be present?

So we may finally see?

Carving Slate

Carving Slate

Hours of plight,

Shards of might,

A murmur, a cheer,

As form appears.

What was blank,

Cold and dank,

Through such strife,

Now has life.

A Twinkle in my Mind's Eye

 A Fictional Short Story:

On a fine, brisk, sun-filled Autumn day, after all my chores were completed, I found myself sitting quietly, enjoying a sweet-tasting banana, and gazing aimlessly through a window at the trees swaying in the afternoon light.  

Prior I had been sizing up my life, assessing my strengths and my weaknesses, thinking of loved ones, both living and passed, my string of failures and accomplishments, etc.  

As was usual, soon the dreaded existential angst of loneliness arrived, spoiling my moments of peaceful contemplative thought. I imagined myself falling to the floor, dramatically expiring from this life, ceasing to be, however that event did not occur. 

Instead, I had an entirely new thought, which surprised me.  I wondered if,  somewhere across this great Universe, another being was having this same feeling of angst as I was.

And I decided, yes, of course, surely there must be another.  I became quite curious. Clearly we could never communicate nor meet, with distance so unimaginably vast between us. 

Yet, it was such an easy leap for my mind to take, so I imagined mentally bonding with this unknown being whom I assumed existed somewhere out there.  This mental game had no immediate result and I quickly dropped it.

The next day, at the same time of day, this novel new thought recurred, and I played my mental game once again.

Day after day I repeated this folly.  A beacon in hunt of a receiver, ever hopeful of a return transmission. Surely it must be feasible.

I continued, accumulating months of this daily ritual, still with no result.

On a fresh Spring day, with bouts of rain showers, I noticed new growth of buds on the trees, and began to prepare myself for my daily thought experiment. I focused my mind on my state of loneliness and cast out my mental appeal.  

An immediate new feeling took hold of me, as if what I had imparted in my cast, returned in like fashion back to me, doubled and resonating within me. Call it an internal gong.

I fell to the floor, feeling a surge in my chest, then radiating up and down my spine, and soon filling me with electric delight tingling throughout every pathway of my body.  A cosmic ecstasy, an infinite time, though in reality, lasting only a few moments, before subsiding.

My mind and body felt entirely cleaned and pure. I could not speak, and only with much effort did I finally get up off the floor, and proceeded outside. To my surprise it was nightfall and the heavens were filled with stars and thin veils of the Milky Way.  A twinkling attracted my attention, close to the tip of one of Taurus’s horns. I could not take my eyes from that spot.

Then I knew that my ritual was no longer a child’s foolish game. I had reached across the Universe and found a kindred spirit. No longer would I feel alone.